Sunday, January 13, 2008

Dear Michael Strahan... are you giving Jessica Simpson a shot right now?

The Captain is crying in a corner, milking a Natural Ice and softly singing "Everybody Hurts", so I'm generating this post myself. I usually write the headlines, find the photos, write the captions. I'm not really used to writing blogs - and I think the letter format is kind of childish. So I'm just going to say what's on my mind.

I couldn't find a picture of Brett Favre hoisting the Lombardi Trophy. So enjoy Barry Switzer in the fugliest '90's cap you can imagine.

The Packers will win the "Big Game" XLII, and you can take it to the bank. It will be the perfect end to this mostly underwhelming season. Let's take a look at the playoff picture, starting with the losers:


Washington Redskins:
It's not nice to disrespect the dead. That's why nobody had the nerve to tell Joe Gibbs' family that he wasn't going to be posthumously awarded another playoff win.

Pittsburgh Steelers:
Show him the money. Oh, too late.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers:
They needed an excuse to bring back Tony Dungy. Putting your playoff chances in the hands of Jeff Garcia is admittedly a pretty good one.

Tennessee Titans:
Kerry Collins could have won this game with one bottle of Jack tied behind his back. Wait, that's racist.


Seattle Seahawks:
Mike Holmgren doesn't need another Lombardi Trophy, he already has a street named after him in Green Bay, compromising pictures of Paul Allen, and a controlling share in the Hostess company.

Jacksonville Jaguars: The Jags' best football is in front of them. Stay tuned, America. Cause that's what the NFL wants you to do.

Indianapolis Colts: Tony Dungy can now safely be dispensed with. See Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

Dallas Cowboys: Gee... Gosh, Golly.... Ummm... Well, at least the North Texas drug and hooker industries will get a boost...

FACT: What's good for America's Team is good for the NFL's bottom line. Stay tuned...


San Diego Chargers: Seriously, would anyone in Southern California, the nation's biggest TV market, had watched this game if it was Colts v. Jags III?

New York Giants: Eli has the monkey off his back, and a whole lifetime to ponder why he wasn't born first.


New England Patriots: Despite Randy Moss' redemption, cheaters never prosper.


Green Bay Packers: The ghost of Reggie White hoists the Vince Lombardi Trophy.

Virtue** triumphs over deceit and subterfuge*.

Not so fast, Killer.

Step 1: Replace JJ with Marion Barber. Step 2: Victory.

Dallas Cowboys def. Jacksonville Jaguars in the "Big Game" XLIII. TO's redemption is complete, and Florida succeeds in its propaganda campaign as a reasonable place to live.

Let's be honest, nothing could convince sane people that Florida is a reasonable place to live.

* Deadbeat dads never prosper.
** Extra points for being a recovering alcoholic and a White Christian.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Your blog keeps getting better and better! Your older articles are not as good as newer ones you have a lot more creativity and originality now keep it up!

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