Thursday, January 31, 2008

Dear Bill Belichick... can you get out of this question as fast as you left the Super Bowl?

Dear Bill Belichick:

With media skills like these, Bill Belichick could easily a) be elected president and b) steal Gisele from Tom Brady.

I used to think you were pretty OK. I don't remember when, exactly, I think it was maybe after the Pats beat the Rams for their first championship. I've hated the Patriots for many years, but I think I rationalized their winning by feeling good for you. I felt bad for the raw deal you'd gotten in Cleveland and loved how you gave the Tuna the finger by quitting the Jets. I said to myself, "Well, at least poor old Bill Belichick will finally get what he deserves."

Cut to six years later. I had to learn to love the Tuna, though now I hate him again.

Will there be this much passion between them during the two Phins/Pats games this year? Tune in to find out on "As the Tuna Turns"!

And the only thing you deserve is to lose this Sunday.

Cheaters never prosper, Bill. You should feel ashamed of everything you've achieved since you were caught and punished by the NFL. The world punishes all those who break the moral codes which are the backbone of our society. Nobody ever gets away with it, and if you do, then I weep for our children's future.

Kiss his Texas ass.

The world is watching, Bill. Don't let your quest for personal glory outweigh your responsibility as a role model for millions of children. Throw the game, Bill.

This post was brought to you by Professional Gamblers Of America, LLC.

Dear Allen Iverson... We think "The Nuggets" is an appropriate team name for you. We think of Carmelo as more of a Warrior.

Allen, we all know you're disappointed by the fact that "40 Bars" was never released. But don't try to deny the lyrical genius of this gentleman...

Visit Juiced to see the video!

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Dear Tom Brady... I don't want you to marry me, just make me feel like a woman...

Today was Media Day for "Big Game" XLII. Where desperate people go to get some attention. Like our friend, the Real Miss Brady.

Is Inez Gomez Mont trying to sell these shirts? If so, maybe they should have said something funny.

More than this woman making a... fool of herself, I was really amused by ESPN's coverage. They ran the story every 20 minutes, and found it so important to get this out there that they didn't get a chance to quality check the broadcast.

It's not like anything else was happening in sports today...

She's like a low-rent Eva Longoria. Muy fantastico.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Dear Tony Romo... it's going to be a long offseason... fortunately, you have something to pass the time...

Dear Tony Romo,

He's just as shocked as we are.

Sorry I didn't write you sooner, but I was so upset for you last week.

The Captain's behavior really made me question our friendship. Please, Dallas Cowboys, don't muck with me like that again.

I'm sure that you read what The Truth has to say... I had to clean it up when I got back, but I've left enough to show that he has no idea what he's talking about.

Suck it, Cocktail, the NFL is still rigged. Clearly, Bledsoe was not pretty enough to be the face of Patriotic America post-9/11.

I thought I should tell you how I felt about being knocked out of the playoffs in the divisional round.

You wish it felt this good.

No one should ever experience the kind of agony we did this past week, Tony. But I know that in the end it will make us stronger.

Don't get too upset, Tony, not every NFL quarterback gets to spend their nights with someone as luscious as Jessica Simpson.

So rest up, dig into that Ivy League Jason Garrett playbook, and get ready, cause 2008 is going to be a good year!

The last time an Ivy League school won the National Championship? 1927, Yale. This coincided with the first publication of The Yale Scientific Magazine.

The point? Any school winning a national championship after 1927 is academically irrelevant.

1984. More than just a great work of fiction. Also a time when a cougar could feel comfortable vomiting a U, and acquiring multiple mates.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Dear Charles Haley... kickin rhymes like Jim Kelly, Or Alex Haley I'm a muh-Beetle Bailey, Rhymes comin' raw style...

You dead dawg? I hope you chillin' wit ODB.

The Captain is still not feeling up to commenting on the world of sports (aka crying like a little girl), so I'm taking over yet another post.

Dear Charles Haley -

We'll look past the fact that San Francisco bookended your otherwise prestigious career. Since you could kill us with this look.

Man, what a crock. You've been passed over yet again for induction to Canton.

Actually, this is SUNY Canton girls volleyball. Wrong Canton. But if it's wrong, I don't want to be right...

First of all, no player has earned more "Big Game" souvenir rings. And that the Cowboys wouldn't have won 3 championships without you. Simply because you were no longer on the 49ers.

Aah, that's more like it. Never mind that the 'Boys dumped you after "Big Game" XXX. Were you shocked? They didn't even keep the man responsible!

Can't get enough of those fugly 90's hats.

For shame, Hall Of Fame voters, is what I would say to the Hall Of Fame voters, Charles. I contend that you, Charles Haley, are not only the greatest professional football player to not be in the Hall, but also the greatest Haley ever!

Let's take a look at the runners up:

1. Bill Haley:

(Top) And His Comets. Sure, he could rock around the clock, but was he a 2-time All-Pro?

2. Alex Haley:

Roots is one of the 20th Century's greatest works of fiction. But did Alex get named to 5 Pro Bowls?

3. Jackie Earle Haley:

Molested as a Bad News Bear, Oscar-nominated as a child molester, but did he finish his career with 100 1/2 sacks? AND A HALF???

4. Haley Scarnato:

It's not easy to be the eighth best singer out of the sixth year of thousands of really untalented singers. But we doubt she could run a 4.4 40. Or run.

5. Haylie Duff:

Would've rated higher if little sister Hillary wasn't a bigger star/an actual star. Incidentally, Hillary Duff rates higher than Clinton on the list of Top Hillarys, but below Sir Edmund because she wouldn't give up her goodies. Ah, but His Knightship was a gentle lover...

6. Halley's Comet:

Only shows up in the night sky once every 75 years. Three out of the four years you showed up with a star on your helmet, you won the World Championship.

7. Haley Joel Osment:

Only rates a mention due to marijuana arrest (and his touching, true-to life turn as the autistic Forrest Gump Jr.) You are one of the few Cowboys never arrested on a drug and/or sex charge.

8. Halle Berry:

Once slept with a man thinking that he was Charles Haley. She also mistook David Justice for Malcolm X (and, by extension, Alex Haley).

9. Marion Berry:

Smoked more crack than Leon Lett. See #7.

10. Marion Jones:

Injected a whole lot of man-juice. See #7.

So there you have it, all the Haleys less important to history than you, Chuck. To the Hall O'Fame voters, I say nut up. Respeck tha man.

Your greatest accomplishment? Beating up Steve Young in order to get traded out of San Fran.

Hey readers! Which of these wives of Brigham Young do you suppose was Steve's great-great-great-grandmother? Send in the correct answer, along with your name and address, and you'll receive this fine leather-bound copy of the 19th Century's greatest work of fiction, The Book Of Mormon!

Followed by several home invasions. I mean, missionary visits. I mean, nothing. Nothing bad could possibly happen.

Sunday, January 13, 2008

Dear Michael Strahan... are you giving Jessica Simpson a shot right now?

The Captain is crying in a corner, milking a Natural Ice and softly singing "Everybody Hurts", so I'm generating this post myself. I usually write the headlines, find the photos, write the captions. I'm not really used to writing blogs - and I think the letter format is kind of childish. So I'm just going to say what's on my mind.

I couldn't find a picture of Brett Favre hoisting the Lombardi Trophy. So enjoy Barry Switzer in the fugliest '90's cap you can imagine.

The Packers will win the "Big Game" XLII, and you can take it to the bank. It will be the perfect end to this mostly underwhelming season. Let's take a look at the playoff picture, starting with the losers:


Washington Redskins:
It's not nice to disrespect the dead. That's why nobody had the nerve to tell Joe Gibbs' family that he wasn't going to be posthumously awarded another playoff win.

Pittsburgh Steelers:
Show him the money. Oh, too late.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers:
They needed an excuse to bring back Tony Dungy. Putting your playoff chances in the hands of Jeff Garcia is admittedly a pretty good one.

Tennessee Titans:
Kerry Collins could have won this game with one bottle of Jack tied behind his back. Wait, that's racist.


Seattle Seahawks:
Mike Holmgren doesn't need another Lombardi Trophy, he already has a street named after him in Green Bay, compromising pictures of Paul Allen, and a controlling share in the Hostess company.

Jacksonville Jaguars: The Jags' best football is in front of them. Stay tuned, America. Cause that's what the NFL wants you to do.

Indianapolis Colts: Tony Dungy can now safely be dispensed with. See Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

Dallas Cowboys: Gee... Gosh, Golly.... Ummm... Well, at least the North Texas drug and hooker industries will get a boost...

FACT: What's good for America's Team is good for the NFL's bottom line. Stay tuned...


San Diego Chargers: Seriously, would anyone in Southern California, the nation's biggest TV market, had watched this game if it was Colts v. Jags III?

New York Giants: Eli has the monkey off his back, and a whole lifetime to ponder why he wasn't born first.


New England Patriots: Despite Randy Moss' redemption, cheaters never prosper.


Green Bay Packers: The ghost of Reggie White hoists the Vince Lombardi Trophy.

Virtue** triumphs over deceit and subterfuge*.

Not so fast, Killer.

Step 1: Replace JJ with Marion Barber. Step 2: Victory.

Dallas Cowboys def. Jacksonville Jaguars in the "Big Game" XLIII. TO's redemption is complete, and Florida succeeds in its propaganda campaign as a reasonable place to live.

Let's be honest, nothing could convince sane people that Florida is a reasonable place to live.

* Deadbeat dads never prosper.
** Extra points for being a recovering alcoholic and a White Christian.

Saturday, January 12, 2008

Dear Brett Favre... why didn't Ryan Grant wear the sticky gloves from the start of this game? Fumbles, anyone?

Dear Brett Favre -

Wow. It is SNOWING in Green Bay! (emphasis added for strength of snow, not surprise.) I haven't seen snow in real life for like a year and a half. But now, my TV screen is half white and half green.... bay packers, that is.

How is it going? It seems like it's not going too well, from where I'm sitting, though I'm not at the game so it's hard to know for sure. It must be fun, you can see you breath! Maybe you could make some snow angels, I'm sure that will cheer you up.

You know, you're very lucky, not a lot of players get the chance to build their legend by coming back from a 14 point deficit... in the snow, no less! The Ice Bowl? Man, that will be nothing compared to this game. The Fum-bowl, they'll call it. But, remember, you will only think it's a good name if your team wins the game. And then wins the NFC. Then, beats the Patriots in the "Big Game".

You want to know why the Patriots were so flagrantly cheating? Look no further than the Tuck Rule, which was nothing short of NFL-sanctioned cheating. You think it's a coincidence a team named the Patriots were the NFL Champs 3 out of the 4 years after 9/11?

Wow! Brett, what a great move to lobby for the challenge on that ball placement! Never mind that the ref who spotted the ball could actually see where it was when the receiver's knee went down... if it's on TV, it must be true!

You know what this game will need to make it legendary? Get a snowplow involved, just so the Patriots have one less thing to claim as their own.

No video of the aforementioned snowplow game. I guess since there have already been 28 points scored in this game, there's no reason to compare it to a scoreless game played 25 years ago. Thank you, ESPN, for making sure the Patriots are always in Tne Captain's consciousness.

Well, you and your team have managed to get the score back to 0-0, so I guess only the last 3 quarters of this game will count... Don't screw up!


Fum-bowl, copyright 2008. ESPN, send royalty checks to The Captain, General Delivery Los Angeles CA.

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