Saturday, November 20, 2010

Wade Phillips Coaching Style: Not Just About What Time To Hit The Krispy Kreme

A great read on why Wade Phillips failed in Dallas. And everywhere else.

Monday, December 29, 2008

The Cowboys 2008 Season Ends In TPIR Horns... just like 2006 and 2007

I've been dreading this post... unlucky 13.
Photobucket"Failure" just entered the vocabulary of the 2008 Dallas Cowboys. Hard.

But I've got something I have to say.

The Dallas Cowboys of 2008 did not deserve to be in the playoffs.

The Truth is waiting impatiently for the Cowboys 2008 Season in 7 seconds.

They did not do the things necessary to be there.

But there are many other teams who are in who also have no right to be there:

The Minnesota Vikings (They deserve a gayer Viking than Tavaris Jackson to lead them to victory)

The Arizona Cardinals (they're a football team? Really?)

Whoever won the AFC West (I don't even know or care who that is at this point).

So now we have all offseason to figure out how to get into a horrible division.

Merry Christmas, you worthless old football division! Merry Christmas Emporium!

I think the NFC West would be best. We already have a rivalry with three out of four teams, all we'd have to do is trade out with the Rams. St. Louis was once home to an NFC East team. Perfect, huh? It's the least they could do for our handing them a big fat choke of a win this year.

In celebration of the Cowboys' loss, ESPN's Tom Jackson devours another unsuspecting victim. Don't worry, just like his Broncos did in the Super Bowl, he'll choke soon.

What division would you like to see us in so we can win?

How about the Pennsylvania Penal League? I bet Andy Reid's sons are raking in the dough with the Dallas Drugfiends losing in Philly. More money to help the Mormons fight Prop 8. The Eagles have a lot of character, all right. Lucky for the NFL it didn't snow at the Vet on Sunday, Eagles fans might have pelted the field with enough batteries to shed light on the vast conspiracy that is the 21st century NFL. 2008 sucks.

Saturday, February 9, 2008

Dear Tom Brady... so, our prediction didn't hold - the Gints weren't the creampuff we'd expected. Bite us.

Dear Tom Brady,

Yes, this game did take place a week ago. I think the Captain lost track of time and space when he had to cheer so vehemently for the hated New York Giants. Yes, I think he needs to get over it too.

Wow. What an epic struggle. You really looked like you were playing against your own pain in that game.

Perhaps it is the pain of a love lost, an opportunity missed... or the vice this broad has your Patri-nuts in.

Now you and the Patriots have become the first decade dynasty to lose a Super Bowl. That must only add to the hurt. I hope it hits home, Tom, and I hope you learn a lesson - you may be one of the all-time greats, but don't get cocky.

Oops, wrong kind of cocky.

Thursday, January 31, 2008

Dear Bill Belichick... can you get out of this question as fast as you left the Super Bowl?

Dear Bill Belichick:

With media skills like these, Bill Belichick could easily a) be elected president and b) steal Gisele from Tom Brady.

I used to think you were pretty OK. I don't remember when, exactly, I think it was maybe after the Pats beat the Rams for their first championship. I've hated the Patriots for many years, but I think I rationalized their winning by feeling good for you. I felt bad for the raw deal you'd gotten in Cleveland and loved how you gave the Tuna the finger by quitting the Jets. I said to myself, "Well, at least poor old Bill Belichick will finally get what he deserves."

Cut to six years later. I had to learn to love the Tuna, though now I hate him again.

Will there be this much passion between them during the two Phins/Pats games this year? Tune in to find out on "As the Tuna Turns"!

And the only thing you deserve is to lose this Sunday.

Cheaters never prosper, Bill. You should feel ashamed of everything you've achieved since you were caught and punished by the NFL. The world punishes all those who break the moral codes which are the backbone of our society. Nobody ever gets away with it, and if you do, then I weep for our children's future.

Kiss his Texas ass.

The world is watching, Bill. Don't let your quest for personal glory outweigh your responsibility as a role model for millions of children. Throw the game, Bill.

This post was brought to you by Professional Gamblers Of America, LLC.

Dear Allen Iverson... We think "The Nuggets" is an appropriate team name for you. We think of Carmelo as more of a Warrior.

Allen, we all know you're disappointed by the fact that "40 Bars" was never released. But don't try to deny the lyrical genius of this gentleman...

Visit Juiced to see the video!

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Dear Tom Brady... I don't want you to marry me, just make me feel like a woman...

Today was Media Day for "Big Game" XLII. Where desperate people go to get some attention. Like our friend, the Real Miss Brady.

Is Inez Gomez Mont trying to sell these shirts? If so, maybe they should have said something funny.

More than this woman making a... fool of herself, I was really amused by ESPN's coverage. They ran the story every 20 minutes, and found it so important to get this out there that they didn't get a chance to quality check the broadcast.

It's not like anything else was happening in sports today...

She's like a low-rent Eva Longoria. Muy fantastico.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Dear Tony Romo... it's going to be a long offseason... fortunately, you have something to pass the time...

Dear Tony Romo,

He's just as shocked as we are.

Sorry I didn't write you sooner, but I was so upset for you last week.

The Captain's behavior really made me question our friendship. Please, Dallas Cowboys, don't muck with me like that again.

I'm sure that you read what The Truth has to say... I had to clean it up when I got back, but I've left enough to show that he has no idea what he's talking about.

Suck it, Cocktail, the NFL is still rigged. Clearly, Bledsoe was not pretty enough to be the face of Patriotic America post-9/11.

I thought I should tell you how I felt about being knocked out of the playoffs in the divisional round.

You wish it felt this good.

No one should ever experience the kind of agony we did this past week, Tony. But I know that in the end it will make us stronger.

Don't get too upset, Tony, not every NFL quarterback gets to spend their nights with someone as luscious as Jessica Simpson.

So rest up, dig into that Ivy League Jason Garrett playbook, and get ready, cause 2008 is going to be a good year!

The last time an Ivy League school won the National Championship? 1927, Yale. This coincided with the first publication of The Yale Scientific Magazine.

The point? Any school winning a national championship after 1927 is academically irrelevant.

1984. More than just a great work of fiction. Also a time when a cougar could feel comfortable vomiting a U, and acquiring multiple mates.

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