Dear Brett Favre... why didn't Ryan Grant wear the sticky gloves from the start of this game? Fumbles, anyone?

Dear Brett Favre -



Wow. It is SNOWING in Green Bay! (emphasis added for strength of snow, not surprise.) I haven't seen snow in real life for like a year and a half. But now, my TV screen is half white and half green.... bay packers, that is.

How is it going? It seems like it's not going too well, from where I'm sitting, though I'm not at the game so it's hard to know for sure. It must be fun, you can see you breath! Maybe you could make some snow angels, I'm sure that will cheer you up.

You know, you're very lucky, not a lot of players get the chance to build their legend by coming back from a 14 point deficit... in the snow, no less! The Ice Bowl? Man, that will be nothing compared to this game. The Fum-bowl, they'll call it. But, remember, you will only think it's a good name if your team wins the game. And then wins the NFC. Then, beats the Patriots in the "Big Game".



You want to know why the Patriots were so flagrantly cheating? Look no further than the Tuck Rule, which was nothing short of NFL-sanctioned cheating. You think it's a coincidence a team named the Patriots were the NFL Champs 3 out of the 4 years after 9/11?

Wow! Brett, what a great move to lobby for the challenge on that ball placement! Never mind that the ref who spotted the ball could actually see where it was when the receiver's knee went down... if it's on TV, it must be true!

You know what this game will need to make it legendary? Get a snowplow involved, just so the Patriots have one less thing to claim as their own.


No video of the aforementioned snowplow game. I guess since there have already been 28 points scored in this game, there's no reason to compare it to a scoreless game played 25 years ago. Thank you, ESPN, for making sure the Patriots are always in Tne Captain's consciousness.

Well, you and your team have managed to get the score back to 0-0, so I guess only the last 3 quarters of this game will count... Don't screw up!

GREAT GOOGLY MOOGLY!!! SEATTLE KNOWS HOW TO FUMBLE TOO!!!

Fum-bowl, copyright 2008. ESPN, send royalty checks to The Captain, General Delivery Los Angeles CA.

Dear Jack Del Rio.... do you like Duran Duran? You hold Tom Brady's fate within your meaty hand.

STOP! Hammer Time!

Dear Jack Del Rio -


Ah, the musical parody. You made "Weird Al" a very rich hack. Courtesy Ryan Parker Songs.

Man, it has been YEARS. I can still remember watching you make tackle after tackle when you were still lurking in Valley Ranch.


Come on, Topps, this card didn't rate the lenticular foil diecut treatment?

Back in the early '90's, when you left the Cowboys for some of that Plan B money, I never thought I'd run into you again.


Does Plan B money look this sweet 15 years later?

Now here you are, coach of the Jacksonville Jaguars. I'm sure you must be honored to be at the helm of a franchise with such a deep, rich history.



What? They were Carolina Panthers cheerleaders? Damn the feline predator-riddled expansion of 1995!

It's fitting. You're named Jack, after all. And your unconventional style fits right in in the unconventional city on the East Coast of Florida, home of Pat Boone, Limp Bizkit, and Rena Mero.


The pride of J'ville, twice receiving the highest honor in the land. I know I'd prefer a Sable Bomb to Fred Durst's Chocolate Starfish. Besides, Britney's been through enough.

And if you win this Saturday against the Patriots, you'll forever be a legend in Northeastern Florida. They'll rename the town JackDelRioVille. You'll have the pick of the virgins as your mate.



Umm.... I said virgins.


Ashley Panaggio is Miss Jacksonville 2007 and was crowned on Saturday, February 3, 2007. To win the Miss Jacksonville title, Ashley performed a modern gymnastic dance routine. The routine itself was entertaining enough - but becomes strikingly more impressive when coupled with the fact that Ashley broke her back at the age of 15. The doctors' and surgeons' prognosis was that she may never walk again, much less ever perform or do a gymnastics routine. She beat the odds and defied the skeptics which makes the Miss Jacksonville title an even sweeter victory.

Beat the Patriots, Jack. Beat them to wipe that smug look off of Tom Brady's face. I know he thinks he's getting away with something by abandoning his Baby Mama and dating the Gisele Bunchamunch. But he's setting a bad example for the children, and we need our sports stars to be shining examples of humanity.


They didn't have cellphones back when you and the Steak went to college... how did he show coeds pictures of his Trojan?

But most of all, win in case the Cowboys lose, so I have someone to cheer for next week. Do it for Jerrah, Jack.

NYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHAWWWWWWWW!!!!

See you in Glendale!


This lovely gift from Things Remembered will make it much easier for fans like Randy to make it through Saturday's game.

The Captain

Dear Tony Romo... How was Mexico? How is Jessica Simpson? Are there any videos of your trip?

Dear Tony Romo,

Hi, it's the Captain. How was Mexico? I saw the pictures of you and Jess... I mean Jessica - Simpson, in case you were wondering. She seems really nice, especially from what I saw on "Newlyweds with Nick and..."



Oh, sorry. Sore subject, I'm sure.

Don't worry, pal. I myself am recovering from marriage and high-profile romance. I empathize a lot with the Jess-ster. As I call her. Yeah. Anyways, all she wants is to find a man as good as her father. The playoffs are a chance for you to prove that you are as much of a man as Joe Simpson.



As long as you have daughters to exploit.

Maybe you and the Jess-ster should start on that. In case the whole football thing doesn't work out.



Good luck this weekend, Tony. I'm sure that Texas will forgive you if the Giants win.



The Captain

Dear Tracy Phillips...

Hi! How are you? I'm fine. You can call me the Captain. I was a big fan of the show "Sports Night," so I was interested to see the movie, "Charlie Wilson's War," since it was written by striking SAG writer Aaron Sorkin. The New York Times ran a news story about the movie before its release, and you were mentioned in it. This was when I learned that you were the granddaughter of Bum Phillips, the legendary football coach, and daughter of his notable son, Wade.



"Unbelievable!", I thought.

But it was true.

I also happen to be a Dallas Cowboys fan. Now, I must say that I was a little worried when he was hired last year. After all, he had been the coach of the Buffalo Bills during the Doug Flutie era. That is wrong on many levels. But the 'Boys record has assuaged my fears, and if anyone doubts his ability to produce results, all they have to do is look at you!

Anyway, I just thought I'd drop you a line. Deadspin says you read sports blogs, so hopefully you'll read this. Also, thanks for being my friend on MySpace. It really works out well that we both live in LA, both want the Cowboys to win, both have a vested interest in the success of "Charlie Wilson's War". I'm glad we've become friends! Good luck with everything, and I'll talk to you soon.

The Captain