Dear Bill Belichick... can you get out of this question as fast as you left the Super Bowl?

Dear Bill Belichick:

With media skills like these, Bill Belichick could easily a) be elected president and b) steal Gisele from Tom Brady.

I used to think you were pretty OK. I don't remember when, exactly, I think it was maybe after the Pats beat the Rams for their first championship. I've hated the Patriots for many years, but I think I rationalized their winning by feeling good for you. I felt bad for the raw deal you'd gotten in Cleveland and loved how you gave the Tuna the finger by quitting the Jets. I said to myself, "Well, at least poor old Bill Belichick will finally get what he deserves."

Cut to six years later. I had to learn to love the Tuna, though now I hate him again.


Will there be this much passion between them during the two Phins/Pats games this year? Tune in to find out on "As the Tuna Turns"!

And the only thing you deserve is to lose this Sunday.

Cheaters never prosper, Bill. You should feel ashamed of everything you've achieved since you were caught and punished by the NFL. The world punishes all those who break the moral codes which are the backbone of our society. Nobody ever gets away with it, and if you do, then I weep for our children's future.


Kiss his Texas ass.

The world is watching, Bill. Don't let your quest for personal glory outweigh your responsibility as a role model for millions of children. Throw the game, Bill.

This post was brought to you by Professional Gamblers Of America, LLC.

Dear Tony Romo... it's going to be a long offseason... fortunately, you have something to pass the time...

Dear Tony Romo,


He's just as shocked as we are.

Sorry I didn't write you sooner, but I was so upset for you last week.


The Captain's behavior really made me question our friendship. Please, Dallas Cowboys, don't muck with me like that again.

I'm sure that you read what The Truth has to say... I had to clean it up when I got back, but I've left enough to show that he has no idea what he's talking about.


Suck it, Cocktail, the NFL is still rigged. Clearly, Bledsoe was not pretty enough to be the face of Patriotic America post-9/11.

I thought I should tell you how I felt about being knocked out of the playoffs in the divisional round.


You wish it felt this good.

No one should ever experience the kind of agony we did this past week, Tony. But I know that in the end it will make us stronger.


Don't get too upset, Tony, not every NFL quarterback gets to spend their nights with someone as luscious as Jessica Simpson.

So rest up, dig into that Ivy League Jason Garrett playbook, and get ready, cause 2008 is going to be a good year!


The last time an Ivy League school won the National Championship? 1927, Yale. This coincided with the first publication of The Yale Scientific Magazine.

The point? Any school winning a national championship after 1927 is academically irrelevant.

1984. More than just a great work of fiction. Also a time when a cougar could feel comfortable vomiting a U, and acquiring multiple mates.

Dear Charles Haley... kickin rhymes like Jim Kelly, Or Alex Haley I'm a muh-Beetle Bailey, Rhymes comin' raw style...

You dead dawg? I hope you chillin' wit ODB.

The Captain is still not feeling up to commenting on the world of sports (aka crying like a little girl), so I'm taking over yet another post.

Dear Charles Haley -



We'll look past the fact that San Francisco bookended your otherwise prestigious career. Since you could kill us with this look.

Man, what a crock. You've been passed over yet again for induction to Canton.


Actually, this is SUNY Canton girls volleyball. Wrong Canton. But if it's wrong, I don't want to be right...

First of all, no player has earned more "Big Game" souvenir rings. And that the Cowboys wouldn't have won 3 championships without you. Simply because you were no longer on the 49ers.


Aah, that's more like it. Never mind that the 'Boys dumped you after "Big Game" XXX. Were you shocked? They didn't even keep the man responsible!


Can't get enough of those fugly 90's hats.

For shame, Hall Of Fame voters, is what I would say to the Hall Of Fame voters, Charles. I contend that you, Charles Haley, are not only the greatest professional football player to not be in the Hall, but also the greatest Haley ever!

Let's take a look at the runners up:

1. Bill Haley:

(Top) And His Comets. Sure, he could rock around the clock, but was he a 2-time All-Pro?

2. Alex Haley:

Roots is one of the 20th Century's greatest works of fiction. But did Alex get named to 5 Pro Bowls?

3. Jackie Earle Haley:

Molested as a Bad News Bear, Oscar-nominated as a child molester, but did he finish his career with 100 1/2 sacks? AND A HALF???

4. Haley Scarnato:

It's not easy to be the eighth best singer out of the sixth year of thousands of really untalented singers. But we doubt she could run a 4.4 40. Or run.

5. Haylie Duff:

Would've rated higher if little sister Hillary wasn't a bigger star/an actual star. Incidentally, Hillary Duff rates higher than Clinton on the list of Top Hillarys, but below Sir Edmund because she wouldn't give up her goodies. Ah, but His Knightship was a gentle lover...

6. Halley's Comet:

Only shows up in the night sky once every 75 years. Three out of the four years you showed up with a star on your helmet, you won the World Championship.

7. Haley Joel Osment:

Only rates a mention due to marijuana arrest (and his touching, true-to life turn as the autistic Forrest Gump Jr.) You are one of the few Cowboys never arrested on a drug and/or sex charge.

8. Halle Berry:

Once slept with a man thinking that he was Charles Haley. She also mistook David Justice for Malcolm X (and, by extension, Alex Haley).

9. Marion Berry:

Smoked more crack than Leon Lett. See #7.

10. Marion Jones:

Injected a whole lot of man-juice. See #7.

So there you have it, all the Haleys less important to history than you, Chuck. To the Hall O'Fame voters, I say nut up. Respeck tha man.


Your greatest accomplishment? Beating up Steve Young in order to get traded out of San Fran.


Hey readers! Which of these wives of Brigham Young do you suppose was Steve's great-great-great-grandmother? Send in the correct answer, along with your name and address, and you'll receive this fine leather-bound copy of the 19th Century's greatest work of fiction, The Book Of Mormon!

Followed by several home invasions. I mean, missionary visits. I mean, nothing. Nothing bad could possibly happen.

Dear Tony Romo... How was Mexico? How is Jessica Simpson? Are there any videos of your trip?

Dear Tony Romo,

Hi, it's the Captain. How was Mexico? I saw the pictures of you and Jess... I mean Jessica - Simpson, in case you were wondering. She seems really nice, especially from what I saw on "Newlyweds with Nick and..."



Oh, sorry. Sore subject, I'm sure.

Don't worry, pal. I myself am recovering from marriage and high-profile romance. I empathize a lot with the Jess-ster. As I call her. Yeah. Anyways, all she wants is to find a man as good as her father. The playoffs are a chance for you to prove that you are as much of a man as Joe Simpson.



As long as you have daughters to exploit.

Maybe you and the Jess-ster should start on that. In case the whole football thing doesn't work out.



Good luck this weekend, Tony. I'm sure that Texas will forgive you if the Giants win.



The Captain