Dear Bill Belichick... can you get out of this question as fast as you left the Super Bowl?

Dear Bill Belichick:

With media skills like these, Bill Belichick could easily a) be elected president and b) steal Gisele from Tom Brady.

I used to think you were pretty OK. I don't remember when, exactly, I think it was maybe after the Pats beat the Rams for their first championship. I've hated the Patriots for many years, but I think I rationalized their winning by feeling good for you. I felt bad for the raw deal you'd gotten in Cleveland and loved how you gave the Tuna the finger by quitting the Jets. I said to myself, "Well, at least poor old Bill Belichick will finally get what he deserves."

Cut to six years later. I had to learn to love the Tuna, though now I hate him again.


Will there be this much passion between them during the two Phins/Pats games this year? Tune in to find out on "As the Tuna Turns"!

And the only thing you deserve is to lose this Sunday.

Cheaters never prosper, Bill. You should feel ashamed of everything you've achieved since you were caught and punished by the NFL. The world punishes all those who break the moral codes which are the backbone of our society. Nobody ever gets away with it, and if you do, then I weep for our children's future.


Kiss his Texas ass.

The world is watching, Bill. Don't let your quest for personal glory outweigh your responsibility as a role model for millions of children. Throw the game, Bill.

This post was brought to you by Professional Gamblers Of America, LLC.

Dear Tony Romo... it's going to be a long offseason... fortunately, you have something to pass the time...

Dear Tony Romo,


He's just as shocked as we are.

Sorry I didn't write you sooner, but I was so upset for you last week.


The Captain's behavior really made me question our friendship. Please, Dallas Cowboys, don't muck with me like that again.

I'm sure that you read what The Truth has to say... I had to clean it up when I got back, but I've left enough to show that he has no idea what he's talking about.


Suck it, Cocktail, the NFL is still rigged. Clearly, Bledsoe was not pretty enough to be the face of Patriotic America post-9/11.

I thought I should tell you how I felt about being knocked out of the playoffs in the divisional round.


You wish it felt this good.

No one should ever experience the kind of agony we did this past week, Tony. But I know that in the end it will make us stronger.


Don't get too upset, Tony, not every NFL quarterback gets to spend their nights with someone as luscious as Jessica Simpson.

So rest up, dig into that Ivy League Jason Garrett playbook, and get ready, cause 2008 is going to be a good year!


The last time an Ivy League school won the National Championship? 1927, Yale. This coincided with the first publication of The Yale Scientific Magazine.

The point? Any school winning a national championship after 1927 is academically irrelevant.

1984. More than just a great work of fiction. Also a time when a cougar could feel comfortable vomiting a U, and acquiring multiple mates.