Dear Michael Strahan... are you giving Jessica Simpson a shot right now?

The Captain is crying in a corner, milking a Natural Ice and softly singing "Everybody Hurts", so I'm generating this post myself. I usually write the headlines, find the photos, write the captions. I'm not really used to writing blogs - and I think the letter format is kind of childish. So I'm just going to say what's on my mind.



I couldn't find a picture of Brett Favre hoisting the Lombardi Trophy. So enjoy Barry Switzer in the fugliest '90's cap you can imagine.

The Packers will win the "Big Game" XLII, and you can take it to the bank. It will be the perfect end to this mostly underwhelming season. Let's take a look at the playoff picture, starting with the losers:

WILD CARD ROUND:


Washington Redskins:
It's not nice to disrespect the dead. That's why nobody had the nerve to tell Joe Gibbs' family that he wasn't going to be posthumously awarded another playoff win.


Pittsburgh Steelers:
Show him the money. Oh, too late.


Tampa Bay Buccaneers:
They needed an excuse to bring back Tony Dungy. Putting your playoff chances in the hands of Jeff Garcia is admittedly a pretty good one.


Tennessee Titans:
Kerry Collins could have won this game with one bottle of Jack tied behind his back. Wait, that's racist.

DIVISIONAL PLAYOFF:


Seattle Seahawks:
Mike Holmgren doesn't need another Lombardi Trophy, he already has a street named after him in Green Bay, compromising pictures of Paul Allen, and a controlling share in the Hostess company.


Jacksonville Jaguars: The Jags' best football is in front of them. Stay tuned, America. Cause that's what the NFL wants you to do.


Indianapolis Colts: Tony Dungy can now safely be dispensed with. See Tampa Bay Buccaneers.


Dallas Cowboys: Gee... Gosh, Golly.... Ummm... Well, at least the North Texas drug and hooker industries will get a boost...

FACT: What's good for America's Team is good for the NFL's bottom line. Stay tuned...

CHAMPIONSHIP GAMES:


San Diego Chargers: Seriously, would anyone in Southern California, the nation's biggest TV market, had watched this game if it was Colts v. Jags III?


New York Giants: Eli has the monkey off his back, and a whole lifetime to ponder why he wasn't born first.

THE "BIG GAME":


New England Patriots: Despite Randy Moss' redemption, cheaters never prosper.

NFL CHAMPS:


Green Bay Packers: The ghost of Reggie White hoists the Vince Lombardi Trophy.


Virtue** triumphs over deceit and subterfuge*.


Not so fast, Killer.

"BIG GAME" XLIII PREVIEW:

Step 1: Replace JJ with Marion Barber. Step 2: Victory.

Dallas Cowboys def. Jacksonville Jaguars in the "Big Game" XLIII. TO's redemption is complete, and Florida succeeds in its propaganda campaign as a reasonable place to live.


Let's be honest, nothing could convince sane people that Florida is a reasonable place to live.

* Deadbeat dads never prosper.
** Extra points for being a recovering alcoholic and a White Christian.

Dear Brett Favre... why didn't Ryan Grant wear the sticky gloves from the start of this game? Fumbles, anyone?

Dear Brett Favre -



Wow. It is SNOWING in Green Bay! (emphasis added for strength of snow, not surprise.) I haven't seen snow in real life for like a year and a half. But now, my TV screen is half white and half green.... bay packers, that is.

How is it going? It seems like it's not going too well, from where I'm sitting, though I'm not at the game so it's hard to know for sure. It must be fun, you can see you breath! Maybe you could make some snow angels, I'm sure that will cheer you up.

You know, you're very lucky, not a lot of players get the chance to build their legend by coming back from a 14 point deficit... in the snow, no less! The Ice Bowl? Man, that will be nothing compared to this game. The Fum-bowl, they'll call it. But, remember, you will only think it's a good name if your team wins the game. And then wins the NFC. Then, beats the Patriots in the "Big Game".



You want to know why the Patriots were so flagrantly cheating? Look no further than the Tuck Rule, which was nothing short of NFL-sanctioned cheating. You think it's a coincidence a team named the Patriots were the NFL Champs 3 out of the 4 years after 9/11?

Wow! Brett, what a great move to lobby for the challenge on that ball placement! Never mind that the ref who spotted the ball could actually see where it was when the receiver's knee went down... if it's on TV, it must be true!

You know what this game will need to make it legendary? Get a snowplow involved, just so the Patriots have one less thing to claim as their own.


No video of the aforementioned snowplow game. I guess since there have already been 28 points scored in this game, there's no reason to compare it to a scoreless game played 25 years ago. Thank you, ESPN, for making sure the Patriots are always in Tne Captain's consciousness.

Well, you and your team have managed to get the score back to 0-0, so I guess only the last 3 quarters of this game will count... Don't screw up!

GREAT GOOGLY MOOGLY!!! SEATTLE KNOWS HOW TO FUMBLE TOO!!!

Fum-bowl, copyright 2008. ESPN, send royalty checks to The Captain, General Delivery Los Angeles CA.